People tell me that my purpose may not make sense to me, but it sure as hell has a significant impact on others. I'm called intense, deep, complicated, strong, challenging, difficult, moody, different, great, inspiring, open, energized... To me I am normal. Yet I am not normal like other people. I am normal only like me. Others all seem normal like each other. What makes me see myself as different and normal, yet still weird and strange, but not unique? This perception thing is tricky to master.

I know what drives me, what makes me tick, what gets on my nerves and what tips me over. There is so much I am aware of about myself, others, the world, life, existence, but there is never one time when everything comes completely into focus showing me myself, life. Each little bit fills my mind like it's all there is and all that matters. These tiny fragments pass through my mind in waves, rushes, moments and never last for long.

I've noticed that for each experience of life there is a different philosophy for it. Buddhism focuses on the aspects of change and control, Christianity focuses on the origin and meaning of life, Nihilism focuses on the confusion and emptiness, and the list goes on. Each little bit of philosophy of life explains what we perceive and then attempts to turn it into something we can use to make choices.

The only thing I don't get is that whilst we're so busy trying to explain why things are the way they are, we forget to really enjoy the way things are. We keep pointing out problems, keep thinking about disaster, keep living in fear because we can't predict the future. And we all know we do this!

We've tried so so so hard to fix the world around us so that it will be the best for us when we're not feeling so great. It helps us to a certain extent. It makes us feel better until we're removed from it. Then we're left feeling glum, empty, lonely, bored, frustrated, hard-done-by. My point is that in fixing the world, we have changed, so why can't it work the other way? We change, so the world around us will accommodate us better?

If I was to change my perspective of a person I don't like, then I see that person as likeable. This has the effect of me feeling better as I won't be reminded of negative things I used to associate with that person. I can live my life happier knowing that I am no longer choosing to see and experience things in an unpleasant way. But it still doesn't seem like enough. I want things to really change. I don't want to just change my internal experience of life, I want to change the experiential quality of my life. I want each thing that happens in my life to be a positive thing, no questions about it. I want to go out there and say 'screw you' to each crappy thing that happens.

I want to refuse to accept that things will suck. Not even sometimes. I want to change my expectation that at some point in my life things will be not so great. I know that because I expect things to suck sometimes, I let them suck sometimes. I let go of my happiness at those times. I let fear take over, I let insecurity run wild. I want to lose control because it justifies my expectation that things will suck. If I dared to believe that things would never suck, I promise you that someone else will burst my bubble, bring me down, slap me in the face with 'reality'.

If you accepted that you will be responsible for reinforcing someone's depression, would you want to find a way not to? I sure as hell would.