Carrying on when you're not being carried
Posted by Sarah Mills on Thursday, July 8, 2010
Under: To live or not to live. That is your problem.
Without support there are more severe limitations, or let's say challenges to confront. For instance, having different values to your family. What keeps you going when there's no steam in your engine? Who's to say? Not that it's impossible to push forward and form a new support network, but what do you do with the conflict you're experiencing feeling the need for external support and it's not coming from the source you want it to?
There hasn't been an easy solution for many people in this situation. Whether you live with the internal conflict or you choose to express it externally, there is no avoiding the experience of this hurdle in your way. How you choose to manage this is character defining, and in fact will play a role in all your future choices of this nature.
Seeing it this way does put a lot of pressure on each moment, making it tougher to both confront and avoid. This brings me to the power tool I am working on: Confrontation versus Peace. However we thrive on confrontation or peace, we have internal drives that pull and direct our emotions. These emotions affect our logic in confusing ways and often lead us into doing things we don't feel aligned with afterwards.
Without negating the elements we're responsible for in these situations, there has to be some other method for self-management that doesn't involve the need for support, the emotional waves and the negativity of conflict. This whole process has become such a habitual norm that we encourage ourselves and others into believing that it is simply the way to do things.
My personal solution to resolving such situations, as well as not falling into the emotional trap it leads to, necessarily involves a small amount of responsibility. Without assigning the blame/guilt type of responsibility typically used here, my type of responsibility focuses on the point at which I am at in my personal development.
Although difficult to explain, I have reached this point because of my previous decisions made to the best of my abilities at the time. As things continue to constantly change and I learn more, the resources I have for making choices increase, thereby affecting the relevance of my previous choices to this present moment. Simply put, one learns from their mistakes...however they weren't mistakes at the time of the choice, they were simply choices made on less information.
This means that each moment I continue to exist, I am constantly increasing my ability to make better choices. Well naturally this assumes that you're on an active process of learning. There can be no learning without conscious awareness of course.
So recognising this process of growth and the limitations of responsibility within this reference point, making decisions becomes a tool for progress. One choice you're faced with is the choice to be supported. We're taught that seeking support from others is necessary, and it is a huge factor in family politics, group work and corporate goals. It is also necessary to create supportive structure for achieving large-scale projects, whether building a house or raising a family.
The type of support I'd like to address is the support mentioned first in this post, support for your choice of character. You are responsible for who you're choosing to be, but are you responsible for choosing to be someone who others support? For instance choosing to be liked by everyone, or choosing to be dependent on others for whatever reason.
There seems to be this personal element to your character that is open for others to construct. Whether it's your parents choosing your career, your partner directing your support style or your boss creating expectations within your job description, there always seems to be a part of yourself given up to the control of others. You can say that this is what being part of a society demands. You could even say that it's necessary for your survival to fit in and get help from others to give you a purpose.
My attempts at reclaiming this part of myself have not produced positive results from others. For whatever reason, people don't like it when they can't control at least some tiny part of you. From family and friends, to psychologists and doctors, everyone has a goal that involves some element of control over others. For instance a waitress determining when you'll get your order; charitable companies determining new living environments for underprivileged communities; even coaches bringing new perspectives and change to your life.
In many instances we want others to have control over our lives. We don't want to be our own doctors, trainers, teachers. We don't want to have to know all the answers and solve all our problems. We don't always want to be in control. Basically we don't want to be responsible when things go wrong, or when things get too much. We see our limits and take a back seat.
My question is this - what will you do when there's no one to take control for you? Do you create a situation for yourself or can you create a solution for yourself? This is where self-empowerment comes in and you recognize your own power! Speaking from within a country focused on empowerment coming from others, I believe in the power of the self, and for no reason should we expect others to come save us.
There hasn't been an easy solution for many people in this situation. Whether you live with the internal conflict or you choose to express it externally, there is no avoiding the experience of this hurdle in your way. How you choose to manage this is character defining, and in fact will play a role in all your future choices of this nature.
Seeing it this way does put a lot of pressure on each moment, making it tougher to both confront and avoid. This brings me to the power tool I am working on: Confrontation versus Peace. However we thrive on confrontation or peace, we have internal drives that pull and direct our emotions. These emotions affect our logic in confusing ways and often lead us into doing things we don't feel aligned with afterwards.
Without negating the elements we're responsible for in these situations, there has to be some other method for self-management that doesn't involve the need for support, the emotional waves and the negativity of conflict. This whole process has become such a habitual norm that we encourage ourselves and others into believing that it is simply the way to do things.
My personal solution to resolving such situations, as well as not falling into the emotional trap it leads to, necessarily involves a small amount of responsibility. Without assigning the blame/guilt type of responsibility typically used here, my type of responsibility focuses on the point at which I am at in my personal development.
Although difficult to explain, I have reached this point because of my previous decisions made to the best of my abilities at the time. As things continue to constantly change and I learn more, the resources I have for making choices increase, thereby affecting the relevance of my previous choices to this present moment. Simply put, one learns from their mistakes...however they weren't mistakes at the time of the choice, they were simply choices made on less information.
This means that each moment I continue to exist, I am constantly increasing my ability to make better choices. Well naturally this assumes that you're on an active process of learning. There can be no learning without conscious awareness of course.
So recognising this process of growth and the limitations of responsibility within this reference point, making decisions becomes a tool for progress. One choice you're faced with is the choice to be supported. We're taught that seeking support from others is necessary, and it is a huge factor in family politics, group work and corporate goals. It is also necessary to create supportive structure for achieving large-scale projects, whether building a house or raising a family.
The type of support I'd like to address is the support mentioned first in this post, support for your choice of character. You are responsible for who you're choosing to be, but are you responsible for choosing to be someone who others support? For instance choosing to be liked by everyone, or choosing to be dependent on others for whatever reason.
There seems to be this personal element to your character that is open for others to construct. Whether it's your parents choosing your career, your partner directing your support style or your boss creating expectations within your job description, there always seems to be a part of yourself given up to the control of others. You can say that this is what being part of a society demands. You could even say that it's necessary for your survival to fit in and get help from others to give you a purpose.
My attempts at reclaiming this part of myself have not produced positive results from others. For whatever reason, people don't like it when they can't control at least some tiny part of you. From family and friends, to psychologists and doctors, everyone has a goal that involves some element of control over others. For instance a waitress determining when you'll get your order; charitable companies determining new living environments for underprivileged communities; even coaches bringing new perspectives and change to your life.
In many instances we want others to have control over our lives. We don't want to be our own doctors, trainers, teachers. We don't want to have to know all the answers and solve all our problems. We don't always want to be in control. Basically we don't want to be responsible when things go wrong, or when things get too much. We see our limits and take a back seat.
My question is this - what will you do when there's no one to take control for you? Do you create a situation for yourself or can you create a solution for yourself? This is where self-empowerment comes in and you recognize your own power! Speaking from within a country focused on empowerment coming from others, I believe in the power of the self, and for no reason should we expect others to come save us.